PZO: As a band, what are your best qualities?
Ian: We don’t have any. <laughter>
Josh: As a band, our best qualities? Racial tolerance.
Josh: Isn’t that a terrible term even? Like even the term itself, racial tolerance implies that you are tolerating someone not that you are accepting them.
PZO: What’s a common compliment you get as a band and individually?
Mike: We give out handy as a compliment to people or do you mean what they compliment to us?
PZO: To you.
Josh: I’m sorry; handy to me is a slang term for something very different that happens in dark places.
Josh: Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement and you get a handy.
Josh: If people are giving out handy’s…
Ian: I personally have never been in an Uncle Touchy.
Mike: You know what compliment I actually got in a magazine interview once? Capable.
Josh: Everybody else got something awesome.
Mike: It was like brilliant guitar playing, unbelievable vocals, amazing chops on the drums and capable bass player, Michael Ayley. So I made a shirt that said “Capable” and wore to 10 shows in a row.
Mike: It actually said, “Competent”.
Josh: Same difference though.
Mike: Same thing.
Ian: No, competent is better. Capable is lower on the scene.
Josh: I don’t know.
Mike: I don’t know, man.
PZO: What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?
Ian: Follow your dreams.
Josh: Come down to Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement. It’s a riot.
PZO: What’s one life experience you would like to relive?
Josh: I’ve got things that I’d like to repress. Honestly, even tonight on the tour, on the first show of the tour, even though it wasn’t meant to happen, I really enjoyed that the curtains came down before we were done playing the last song and I’ll laugh about that for a long time.
Josh: Hilarious ending.
Ian: Didn’t it look good though?
PZO: Yeah, it was very dramatic.
Josh: People must have laughed though. It was funny.
Mike: Very dramatic can that be something we’ve said we’ve been complimented? That term?
Ian: We are very dramatic.
Josh: That sounds like a drama queen though.
Mike: Yeah, but it’s better than nothing.
Mike: Okay, handy.
Josh: Speak for yourself, capable.
PZO: What’s your best childhood memory?
Mike: That Halloween just keeps coming back.
Josh: It’s the puzzle that does it.
Ian: Beaming down a hill while tobogganing on a sheet of ice—totally out of control and then hit a ditch.
Josh: Water skiing too, right? That’s probably one of mine too, actually. Water skiing is pretty rad.
Mike: I remember playing in the ocean as a six year old like the Atlantic Ocean was pretty wicked and the waves seemed like they were ten feet tall.
Josh: I remember taking piano lessons for a couple of years and then my piano teacher, you know I was learning to read music and stuff and then my piano teacher one day took away the music and I could still play it and then she gave me a new piece of music that I had never heard before and then we discovered I couldn’t read music at all.
Josh: That I was just learning how to play really well by ear, so she would play it once and then I would play it the same, but I thought I was reading the music. But I remember being like, I don’t know if this is good or bad, but it made an impression one way or the other.
PZO: Given the opportunity, who would you kidnap for a day and what would you do?
Ian: Living or dead?
Josh: Dead is getting into the whole necrophilia place that I’m not comfortable with.
Matt: I think I’d go with Lorenzo Lamas.
Josh: Just for the protection.
Josh: and the leather trench coat.
Matt: The leather trench coat.
Mike: Matt’s quite fond of his heritage.
Mike: Okay, this is the inside joke. A lot of people think that Matt is Mexican and he’s not. But we’ve actually played shows in the summer, so he’s got a little bit of a tan. After the show people come up to him and start talking to him in Spanish and he’s like, I don’t speak Spanish, I’m not from Mexico.
Josh: You should learn.
Mike: Thank you for being supporters of this band and if I could say that in Spanish, I would.
Ian: What’s the actor’s name that plays Mini-me?
Josh: Verne Troyer.
Ian: I’d steal him. I’d kidnap him. Just do some tossing.
Josh: I think he’s available and I don’t think it would be much of a challenge getting him.
Josh: I would steal one of those guys that compete in those Scottish Iron Man competitions. That’s wicked at caper tossing. You know where they throw the telephone poles and the guy who wins threw it like 6 inches.
Ian: What would you do with him?
Josh: Get him to throw me, obviously.
Josh: Isn’t it obvious? I’d be like a human sling shot.
Ian: He can throw you and I can throw Mini-Me and do…
PZO: a swap.
PZO: What’s the best lesson you’ve ever learned?
Mike: There’s a lot of lessons like in music as a musician or as a career or anything. There are a lot of things and it’s mostly humbling stuff.
Ian: Don’t pee in the wind.
PZO: There we go.
PZO: What’s the last good deed you did?
Mike: Oh! I did something recently…what was it?
Josh: I remember.
Mike: Oh, I helped a blind man across the street. I’m serious. He was going slow and I asked him, you want me to walk with you and make sure you get across and he said sure.
Ian: I actually did the same thing believe it or not in Toronto. He was going to a subway station that was under repair, so he was trying to go down the stairs that he obviously knew was there, but couldn’t, so I took him to the one that was just up the street.
Josh: I helped a wheelchair guy through the door the other day.
Ian: You did?
Josh: I did.
Mike: I actually gave half of a sub to a guy who looked like he needed it more than I did.
Josh: Look at us go.
Mike: This is all within the last two weeks.
Matt: We’re a bunch of nice guys.
Ian: I’ve learned there is a homeless guy that was actually schizophrenic and he told me all about his meds and all that stuff. His name is Edward and I bought him a coffee and subway the next time I was there.
Josh: Plus the other day, Ian was pissing me off and I didn’t punch him in the face.
Ian: These guys are constantly being good to me.
PZO: What’s one thing that people would be surprised that you would not do for any amount of money?
Matt: We were talking about something the other day.
Mike: We offer people money for a lot of things we would never do.
Josh: I’m not implying anything by this, but there is no amount of money to make me register myself on the sex offender’s list.
Josh: As in, haha this is hilarious, I’m a registered sex offender. Nah, that’s not cool. There’s just a lot of questions with that. Have you ever looked at that website, UgliestTattoos.com? It’s an awesome website.
Mike: Even a couple billion dollars there are some tattoos I would never get on my face.
Josh: You know that guy who tattooed p***y eater across his upper lip?
Josh: What do you do when you meet a girl at a bar? So good news, <points to upper lip>.
Josh: That’s real too.
Ian: What’s the guy who had a tattoo on his forehead? It said idiot or stupid. He just tattooed stupid on his forehead.
Josh: I probably wouldn’t get p***y eater tattooed across my face.
PZO: There’s laser removal.
Josh: Yeah, so maybe the p***y eater thing is looking up.
Mike: Try it out, see what happens.
Josh: Hey ladies, read my lip.
PZO: What event in your life had the greatest impact on you?
Josh: Mine would probably be when I saw this clip of this kid for no reason sprinting and leaping off a cliff like 60 feet above land and then completely crumbling on the ground smacking his face against the shores of this river and then he sat there going uhhhhh…and then you hear an adults voice strangely going, “Bigfoot are you okay?” Which lead me to deduce a few things: 1. The guy goes as Bigfoot, which is the only name of someone who is willing to leap off a sixty foot cliff for no reason, could be named. It also means there was an adult present who supported it and videotaped it.
Ian: What’s the site called again? Break?
Josh: Yeah, it’s on break.com. Put in, ‘Painful Leap of Faith’ and you’ll see it.
Mike: It’s really bad, but it’s awesome.
Josh: A little chubby kid named Bigfoot.
Mike: You watch it and you’re like, Wow, he made it and he got hurt. What did he think was going to happen? Best case scenario?
Josh: Mike raised the point of what did happen, which was him unconscious, was the best case scenario. Anything other than that would have been paralysis or death. But anyway, that would be my best moment. Things do occur before and after that event for me.
PZO: What’s your best pick-up line and has it ever worked?
Josh: We’re all adults here and yes, it has.
Mike: I apologize in advance. No, it has not.
Josh: Don’t worry about crying, it’s just something I do. I don’t want it to get weird.
Mike: Ian has never picked up anybody nor tried.
PZO: They just come to you.
Josh: Uncle’s love Ian.
PZO: What’s one question, you’ve never been asked in an interview that you would like to be asked?
Mike: How many decimal points do you know the value of pi? I don’t know why I learned this, but I can’t forget it and it drives me crazy and it’s 3.14159265358979323846. I don’t know what happens after that. I wish I could forget that because it’s taking up a lot of brain space.
PZO: What would be your pitch to get people to listen to your music?
Josh: It’s [Ever After] not like any other record that’s out and that concept has not been attempted by anyone for a good thirty years, forty years. I’d be like check it out, man.
Ian: I’d be like if you don’t like it, I’ll buy it back.
Mike: Buy it back from them?
Ian: Yeah, if they didn’t like it, I would buy it back. I’ve actually done that with people.
Josh: It’s a whole adventure. I challenge someone to listen to the record and not find a song that they like. It really moves all over the place.